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*sigh*....I wonder when I'll be let back in the Skype groups...I don't feel like being in them now...but when there's a call...I missed all the fun last night...
Just remember, no matter all the good that happens, you'll always be worthless, and people don't care! No one wants you around! Good things happen to you because they do, you're a terrible person! And you don't deserve any friends. And if you have any, remember that they all hate you, they could never forgive you for what you've done, so suck it up and deal with it you miserable pile of trash!
Try to keep calm, they don't hate you. Maybe no one sees your comments? Maybe they just don't know how to reply? Of course...you try to reply to everyone...be nice if they could repay you with the same...
Ugh, i'm so pissed and irritated at people right now...not only was ignored several times in the chat, I'm not allowed to be myself anymore in the chat....
Srsly...it's like people just want me to be depressed...if that's the case...I'll gladly be miserable...let the depression inside me eat me up...I'm worthless fucking worthless....fuck my life...I fucking wish I was dead
Ugh, I'm starting to think more people are hating me because of my depression....just seems people are less entusiastic to see me then others now... *sigh* I'm starting to think if it's worth coming here anymore. Just doesn't seem like anyone is really too into talking to me anymore...Like...I just...shouldn't be around...like no one really needs me around...Like...well...People just aren't excited while I'm around anymore.
Ugh, maybe I need to write something in terms of my feelings in sorta a journal form.
Well, I don't know really. I've been torn lately. At times, it'll feel like everyone loves me and wants to talk to me and has fun around me. But at other times it's like they take advantage of my happy mood then just show they don't care. it's so hard for me to put this in words it's irritating. There's....there's the people who respond to me almost all the time. The ones I can sorta count on and know that no matter what I say they'll always care and have fun with me and talk to me.
Then there's the people that will only respond to me if I respond to them, otherwise, I'm non existent to them. And that's where it starts to hurt. There's names I have but I don't want to give them out cause then it will feel like I'm attacking people. I don't want that....Though some know who they are. it's been....reacurring thing. I try to respond to everyone I can. If I don't know how i may not, but about 90% of the time I'll respond to someone. Just to make them not feel left out...like I do.
Finally there's the ones out there who I know would rather me just leave and never come back. Like the base is better off without me...which...in turn....is true. I believe it, and....I mean I don't want to leave but...it feels like everyone is just putting on a fake face and pretending to like me...especially the second ones...
It's like....everyone has a best friends or best friends there...but...but me...like I'm no ones best friend....I'm just...there. Like, everyone will meet me, have their fill...then move on to other people...I'm sorta just this outsider in the groups both on Skype and EQD. Whenever I try to have a conversation it always falls short of being just that....a conversation...Usually I'm always the last to reply and get no response anywhere. It's be so constant lately too...and it's hurt a lot...I just feel the uneasiness and fear of being the one left out....and that's sorta what it is...and I try to show my happy side but no matter what....I'm sorta always left out of a lot of things...no one comes to me with the offer to go talk in private, or make a base, or...even bothers to pm me, or come here an ask how I'm doing. It sorta just that feeling of doing all the work but getting nothing in return...and that's all I feel my friendships are....me doing the work, but getting nothing in return. And then...When it's all said and done people find other people who make them happy and then I'm sorta stuck alone again....I can name so many friendships that were built off of me then that person or people end up growing away from me and becoming best friends instead...It just...upsets me...
Am I not cool enough around here? Am I not a good enough person to be around here and have actual close friendships? Am I just not interesting enough for people to respond to and talk to? That's just what it feels like.
I won't say I'm worthless (or maybe I will) because I don't feel like that right now, but I do think it. Sorta just like...idk my depression is clouding my thinking....this was even such a chore to type...every sentence I write is clouded by depression.
And like, people will tell me they care and they tell me they want me around...but...time and time again they show they don't really want me around and instead put on a fake smile to talk to me....just because i talk to them and replied to them...And....that's the worst feeling in the world....when I respond and talk to someone all the time but...then when I need something or I just want to talk and they're around...they ignore me and pretend like i don't exist...
It's...my own fault....I'm really just a depressed sack of shit that needs to just die and end his life already...I haven't ever told anyone this but I sorta have a plan for suicide...if my life truly does take a turn for the worst...I may just do it...I mean...I wouldn't have much anymore...Sometimes everyday I wish I could just end my life so I wouldn't have to deal with my mind torturing itself with these thoughts...I mean...really...it hurts...Right now I have a massive headache typing this because my head is so full of depressed bullshit and so much is running through my head of whether or not people really hate me....I can't take it...I really wish I could just let this out to someone....
Like...I just wish someone would be able to...call me on Skype, or message me....just so I can let all this out....I feel like crying so bad...like my head is just hurting and all these thoughts torturing my head it feels like someone is literally taking a knife and stabbing me in the head...I'm truly just sad right now....I hate myself....I hate my head....I just fucking hate this feeling...I want to cry so bad...I'm just....NYA!
Ugh...I'm crying...so much right now...I don't want to be around anyone...I tried...I really tried to be happy but I just can't...I'm such a terrible person...I'm crying so hard over it right now. Fuck my life....fuck everything....what else is there for me? I just...I can't do it anymore...I'm literally in tears and I can't stop...I just can't...ever since I saw that comment about me being a bad person...I just can't get it out of my mind...I can't stop being depressed....
I'm a shitty person...who deserves to feel like this and that's all that matters...crying is all I'll get tonight...
Fuck life, whenever you're happy it just swoops in and finds ways to make you unhappy. I fucking hate myself, I hate this depression. I wish it'd fucking go away. I battled it for a fucking week, not even that was good enough. And with all the good shit that happened to me, and I'm fucking un happy? How? FML! That's fucking how! I wish I could just end my life sometimes....I wish I could hump off the face of this planet.
Logging you in...
CyberOctavia 160p · 517 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 517 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 517 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 514 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 513 weeks ago
Of course...you try to reply to everyone...be nice if they could repay you with the same...
Just take some time away.
CyberOctavia 160p · 513 weeks ago
Srsly...it's like people just want me to be depressed...if that's the case...I'll gladly be miserable...let the depression inside me eat me up...I'm worthless fucking worthless....fuck my life...I fucking wish I was dead
CyberOctavia 160p · 513 weeks ago
More like....people are tired of me being around
CyberOctavia 160p · 513 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 513 weeks ago
Well, I don't know really. I've been torn lately. At times, it'll feel like everyone loves me and wants to talk to me and has fun around me. But at other times it's like they take advantage of my happy mood then just show they don't care. it's so hard for me to put this in words it's irritating. There's....there's the people who respond to me almost all the time. The ones I can sorta count on and know that no matter what I say they'll always care and have fun with me and talk to me.
Then there's the people that will only respond to me if I respond to them, otherwise, I'm non existent to them. And that's where it starts to hurt. There's names I have but I don't want to give them out cause then it will feel like I'm attacking people. I don't want that....Though some know who they are. it's been....reacurring thing. I try to respond to everyone I can. If I don't know how i may not, but about 90% of the time I'll respond to someone. Just to make them not feel left out...like I do.
Finally there's the ones out there who I know would rather me just leave and never come back. Like the base is better off without me...which...in turn....is true. I believe it, and....I mean I don't want to leave but...it feels like everyone is just putting on a fake face and pretending to like me...especially the second ones...
It's like....everyone has a best friends or best friends there...but...but me...like I'm no ones best friend....I'm just...there. Like, everyone will meet me, have their fill...then move on to other people...I'm sorta just this outsider in the groups both on Skype and EQD. Whenever I try to have a conversation it always falls short of being just that....a conversation...Usually I'm always the last to reply and get no response anywhere. It's be so constant lately too...and it's hurt a lot...I just feel the uneasiness and fear of being the one left out....and that's sorta what it is...and I try to show my happy side but no matter what....I'm sorta always left out of a lot of things...no one comes to me with the offer to go talk in private, or make a base, or...even bothers to pm me, or come here an ask how I'm doing. It sorta just that feeling of doing all the work but getting nothing in return...and that's all I feel my friendships are....me doing the work, but getting nothing in return. And then...When it's all said and done people find other people who make them happy and then I'm sorta stuck alone again....I can name so many friendships that were built off of me then that person or people end up growing away from me and becoming best friends instead...It just...upsets me...
Am I not cool enough around here? Am I not a good enough person to be around here and have actual close friendships? Am I just not interesting enough for people to respond to and talk to? That's just what it feels like.
I won't say I'm worthless (or maybe I will) because I don't feel like that right now, but I do think it. Sorta just like...idk my depression is clouding my thinking....this was even such a chore to type...every sentence I write is clouded by depression.
And like, people will tell me they care and they tell me they want me around...but...time and time again they show they don't really want me around and instead put on a fake smile to talk to me....just because i talk to them and replied to them...And....that's the worst feeling in the world....when I respond and talk to someone all the time but...then when I need something or I just want to talk and they're around...they ignore me and pretend like i don't exist...
It's...my own fault....I'm really just a depressed sack of shit that needs to just die and end his life already...I haven't ever told anyone this but I sorta have a plan for suicide...if my life truly does take a turn for the worst...I may just do it...I mean...I wouldn't have much anymore...Sometimes everyday I wish I could just end my life so I wouldn't have to deal with my mind torturing itself with these thoughts...I mean...really...it hurts...Right now I have a massive headache typing this because my head is so full of depressed bullshit and so much is running through my head of whether or not people really hate me....I can't take it...I really wish I could just let this out to someone....
Like...I just wish someone would be able to...call me on Skype, or message me....just so I can let all this out....I feel like crying so bad...like my head is just hurting and all these thoughts torturing my head it feels like someone is literally taking a knife and stabbing me in the head...I'm truly just sad right now....I hate myself....I hate my head....I just fucking hate this feeling...I want to cry so bad...I'm just....NYA!
CyberOctavia 160p · 512 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 512 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 511 weeks ago
I'm a shitty person...who deserves to feel like this and that's all that matters...crying is all I'll get tonight...
CyberOctavia 160p · 511 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 511 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 511 weeks ago
JUST STOP!!!!! STOP IT!!!! I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
Why can't I just be a good person...
CyberOctavia 160p · 511 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 511 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 511 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 509 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 509 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 509 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 509 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 509 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 509 weeks ago
CyberOctavia 160p · 508 weeks ago